Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Hufflepuff Basement

This is where all the Huffledumbs live. They hunker down in the basement like rats and laugh at those dumb Ravenclaws and Gryffindors caught in a tornado. Huffledumbs have a strict puff-only policy, so come prepared with a bag of pipe cleaners as offering if you're not a Hufflepuff. Hope you like vinegar.

Basement

Because everyone refused to give the Huffledumbs the entire basement (someone realized that in case of a tornado, the school would be epically screwed), they put the kitchens and boat harbor in the basement as well. That way, the Hufflepuffs could feed themselves in the case of a tornado that wipes out the entire school by relying on the slave labor of house elves while lounging on the rickety wooden boats that bring the first-years in to Hogwarts. You can visit the house elves to listen to their sad plight or steal food from them (shame on you!), or you can mess with the boats as a prank for the future incoming crop of fools. (You didn't hear that from me though)

Dungeons

Because the rent is cheaper in the dungeons, the Potions department is based here. Potions classes, the potions basement (where potion ingredients are stored), the office of the head of Slytherin, as well as the rooms that previously held the challenges for the Philosopher's Stone. Beware of the latter, they're overrun with Devil's Snare, but there's a rumour that the Mirror of Erised is still at the end.

Slytherin Dungeon

Because the founders of Hogwarts School of Dumbery drew lots for where to place their alloted brats (except for Godric, he took the Gryffindor Tower without asking), Salazar Slytherin got the Dungeons. Well, at least he didn't get a dumb basement. Because he couldn't be bothered to pay the electricity bill, Slytherin kids don't get normal lights like everyone else. As a result of the dumb green lights that were cheaper, Slytherin kids are criminally pale. Also, there was a leak from the lake that was never fixed, and the giant squid keeps coming for the rent payment. Don't pay him any mind.

Tranfiguration Department

The original professor of Transfiguration managed to pay the bills and received an entire wing and courtyard for the Transfiguration Department. These are the classrooms where children become adults. Literally. In every possible way. (The unused classroom at the very end of the wing is a great place to be alone with your lover, after all, as long as you're careful not to be in it when a class is scheduled for the classroom across the hall). Students like to pretend to study out in the courtyard underneath the giant tree when the weather's nice.

Viaduct Courtyard

A partially paved (the money to pave the quad ran out halfway through) quadrangle where students who are desperately trying to procrastinate can hang out and play Gobstones, wizard chess, and firetruck. (The latter is wildly popular among the older students, although it is currently school policy to take points off if caught in the act). There are also two towers at the entrance. Instructions on how to get to the courtyard for the dumb: follow the Viaduct and pass through the towers. Surely you dumbs can follow something as simple as that.

Great Hall

Boringly named the Great Hall, this place is where bratty magical kids congregate to stuff their faces with the sweat and tears of unpaid house elves and steal mail from hardworking and also unpaid owls. (Sense a trend here?) Sorting, feasts, and announcements take place here, too.

Misc Classrooms

History of Magic, Divination, Muggle Studies, Arithmancy, Dueling, any other classes that don't have a specific Department/Building/Branch. Also, any unused classrooms that don't have a specific place go here too.

Hospital Wing

What, were you being dumb and got yourself hurt? Too bad, so sad. Check yourself into the Hospital Wing where the matron will scold you for being stupid and shove foul-tasting potions down your throat. There are several uncomfortable beds for the injured, sick, unconscious, or incapacitated. The matron's office is located here as well.

Abandoned Girls' Lavoratory

There is a girls' bathroom here that is unused after a terrific-- I mean horrific incident in which a student died. Her ghost is rumored to haunt the bathroom still, but really, what kind of business do you dumbs have in going into an abandoned bathroom? Especially if you're a male (you peeping tom)!

Charms Corridor

Charms classrooms are entered through this corridor, as well as the office for the Charms Professor.

Clock Tower

The entrance to this tower is on the third floor, and the tower chimes to mark the beginning and end of every class. Students are allowed to come up and view the mechanism that drives the clock, although no one's quite sure how it works. The tampering with of the clock tower is strictly prohibited.

Defense Against the Dark Arts Department

Classrooms where entitled magical brats are taught to defend themselves from the great evil that is the Jelly-legs Jinx. The office of the DAtDA professor is inexplicably located on the Second Floor (which doesn't exist).

Library

Because the Headmaster cares very dearly about the students' sleep, the library closes at the very late hour of 8 p.m. While the library is open, students are allowed to browse through the thousands of books in circulation, although some books are restricted and locked up on the fourth floor. A study area for those looking to get away from their house members is located on the fourth floor, too. Books are enchanted so they can't be defaced or stolen, and food and drinks of any kind are not allowed in the library.

Trophy Room/Armory

A bunch of old dopey suits of armor are on display at the Armory, and trophies of similar dopiness are located at the Trophy Room. Students can be punished with polishing and cleaning the armor/trophies by hand.

One-Eyed Witch Passage

For those with the Maurader's Map or the know-how or the sheer luck/stupidity, the one-eyed witch statue is the entryway to a tunnel under the school that leads to Hogsmeade. It takes about an hour on foot to reach Hogsmeade from the school using this method. The tunnel is password-restricted.

Prefects' Bathroom

A password restricted bathroom for prefects get to enjoy since who doesn't like having a semi-private swanky bathroom with a small swimming pool-size bathtub with one hundred fancy magical golden bath taps that provide colored bath water, bubbles, scents, foam. Did I also mention bathrobes and towels are provided, too? Oh yeah, there's also free bath oil, shampoo, conditioner, bath salts, hair spray, and soap. It's a great place for a bath, if you know what I mean.

Art and Music Classrooms

Art, Muggle Art, Music, and Muggle Music are all taught in these classrooms. Here, interested dumbs can learn what exactly is the difference between Art and Muggle Art, as well as between Music and Muggle Music. There are also practice rooms with various musical instruments and art studios with easels and paints for students to practice in.

Ravenclaw Tower

Come on now, you're Ravenclaws. Surely you're smart enough to understand what a Ravenclaw tower is. For the non-ravenclaws (a.k.a., the dumbs of the school), this is where the nerds reside. Legend has it that the Ravenclaws are also dumb, too, but this is mostly hushed up.

Gryffindor Tower

After every founder had picked their share of brats to edify, Godric Gryffindor realized he had absolutely no idea what the heck he was doing taking care of the education of stupidly brave kids who happened to have magic. He shoved them into the nearest tower in the hopes that they would all dare each other to jump off the tower. Unfortunately, he didn't really think it though, so the tower is now the Gryffindor Tower. There's a painting of a fat lady guarding the entrance, at least.

Room of Requirement

This is a real sketchy place. No one really knows if it exists or not, but the idea is that if you're in dire need, the Room of Requirement will appear and transfigure itself to best fit your needs.

North Wing

A huge hall with bookshelves along the wall as well as reading tables and cushy sofas, recliners, and loveseats. It's lit by lanterns and is a good place as any to study or read. Even though it's close to the Gryffindor Tower Entrance, brats from all houses come to the North Wing to study and hang out (a.k.a. make noise so the Gryffindors can't sleep), especially in the morning.

Divination Staircase

This staircase leads to the trapdoor that students crawl through to the Divination Classroom, which is a dumb cross between an attic and a tea-shop. It also leads to the Divination Professor's Office.

Corridors

cor·ri·dor [kawr-i-der, -dawr, kor-] noun A narrow hallway, passageway, or gallery, often with rooms or apartments opening onto it. Lots of chicanery, romantic interactions (not woohooing hopefully), and dumb things happen in the hallways of Hogwarts. The Viaduct counts as a corridor, by the way. There are a lot of corridors and stairways, so be a decent muggle and put where the topic is taking place, will ya? The caretaker will be on your back otherwise.

Grand Staircase

This is the main staircase that connects the many floors of Hogwarts. The stairs like moving around while the students are on the stairs, presumably out of frustration that it has to do unpaid labor at every student's beck and call.

Headmaster's Tower

The Headmaster's office is located here, guarded by a stone gargoyle who moves aside to reveal the steps to the office when prompted by the proper password. The sorting hat and other magical instruments are stored in the Headmaster's office, as well as any banned books.

Astonomy Tower

Astronomy classes take place in this tower, and students are often seen at midnight gazing at the moon, wondering what the heck they're supposed to be looking for. Outside of Astronomy classes, this tower is off limits for students.

West Tower

This tower is a narrow tower that gets remarkably cold in the winter. Be careful of slipping on the icy stairs. At the top of the tower is the owlery, where most students leave their owls to take fend for themselves while they're at school. At the owlery, one has to step carefully through all the owl pellets, dirty straw, and rotting remains of prey. The room is open to the elements as all the windows lack glass for the owls' convenience, so visiting the owlery in winter is not recommended.

Quidditch Pitch

The Quidditch Pitch is the arena where quidditch matches are held between different houses in the Hogwarts School for the Dumb because the dumbs need something to occupy their mind as they're clearly not very good at studying. The stands in which the spectators sit are decorated different for each game, depending on which team is playing. There are six games in the year for the inter-house Quidditch Cup: Gryffindor-Slytherin and Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw in November, Ravenclaw-Slytherin in February, Hufflepuff-Gryffindor in March, Slytherin-Hufflepuff and Gryffindor-Ravenclaw in May.

Forbidden Forest

This is a proverbial scary forest. The brats that the teachers are unfortunately obliged to ensure that they don't get killed by acromantulas, unicorns (how embarrassing would it be to explain that when you're a ghost? "Yeah, I got gored by a unicorn because I was dumb and sneaked into the Forbidden Forest"), and a giant three-headed dug named "Fluffy", and random flying cars. A student can arrange a trip to the forest by getting into detention or by taking Care of Magical Creatures, as a few Care of Magical Creatures classes are taught here.

Herbology Greenhouses

The Herbology classes are taught in the three greenhouses on the grounds of Hogwarts. Greenhouse 1 is used by first year students, and Greenhouse 2 is used by higher level students. Greenhouse 3 is where all the more dangerous plants are grown, such as mandrakes. The Herbology Professor also has an office in one of the greenhouses.